For my first 3 years of high school, I anxiously awaited my senior year. 14 year old me seemed to be wrapped up in the idea that senior year would come with nothing but football games and freedom. But now that I’m there, living it out, that fantasy couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I am less than 6 weeks into my senior year, and it’s brought me nothing but anxiety and frustration. Every day I come home from a long day at school, which includes almost nothing but talk about college and the future- to more talks about it. I don’t understand. I’m 17. Why do I need to decide what my entire life is going to look like when I haven’t even gotten my driver’s license yet? The reality of senior year truly is not what you see in coming-of-age movies: it’s more so a compilation of failing grades, procrastination, and no longer having interest in anything you found an escape in before.
Often, I hear the term “senioritis” when referring to the burnout that seniors face and the lack of motivation to continue on with schooling. It’s my belief that senioritis is nothing but avoidable. It’s not something that just happens because of teenagers being lazy- it’s a result of policy and the system of false importance seniors are forced to confine to for years leading up to adulthood.
In 8th grade, when I was scheduling for freshman year, I was told that taking all honors and AP would help me in the future. So that’s what I did. I enrolled in honors English 9 and AP human geography. Then the next year I added to my course load. And again after that. Each year, like clockwork, I found myself just waiting for the year to end. I would tell myself: “just get through this year.” The cycle never stopped. I exhausted myself for years, and it all feels useless. My friends who chose easier classes are getting into better schools than me, and it makes it all seem so pointless. That being said, teachers of seniors also like to pretend that their classes are important to the overall meaning of our schooling. This year, I have one class that directly involves my plans for the future, which I’m not even entirely sure about yet. The thoughts that I expressed before, about always wishing for it to just be over- those are true now. The knowledge that I will never have to step foot in a high school again after this year consumes my thoughts. I feel like I don’t even know who I am because I’ve spent so much time of my life in school, and leaving is the only hope I have for finding myself.
All that aside- I’m still expected to show up to school every day at 7am, go to classes all day, manage after school activities, a social life, work, and homework. That is all I’ve done for all I’ve known. I’m so eager to get out and experience the world.
The whole thing is contradictory. In the grand scheme of things, my senior year and the schooling attached to it is so pointless when there’s so much other stuff I could be giving myself to. On the other hand, I cannot achieve any of the goals I have beyond here- if I don’t succumb to the system first.
