For the longest time, I was afraid of sitting in the front of the classroom. For the longest time, I was a shy kid, too afraid to talk to someone new because I thought they wouldn’t think anything of me. For the longest time, I was uncomfortably in the background. Whether it was in the back of the classroom with my head craned into a novel or if it was at Homecoming in the back of the crowd where the music wasn’t blaring in my ears, I was a wallflower.

The first time I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower was during the depths of quarantine, when I immersed myself in cliche high school films to get ready for my upcoming years in high school. During this time, I watched a million coming-of-age movies as I was trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do with my life. But, ironically, I still do not know. Today, as I sit in the same place I’ve sat for the past four years, I find myself returning to the concept of a wallflower–but just now realizing the true powers behind being in the background. There’s a moment in the film when Patrick tells Charlie, “You see things. And you understand. You’re a wallflower.” For the longest time, I didn’t think that being a wallflower–always sitting in the corner at parties and not the center of attention–could have any benefits at all.

I think that I was probably the scariest, nerve-racking freshman in high school that could have ever existed during my first year of high school. To say it simply, high school scared me. I hated the feeling of others looking at me from behind; I hated the idea of people judging me inside their heads; and I hated the infatuation I had with making sure that I was not the center of attention. I was determined to stay invisible.

Being a wallflower isn’t about just hiding. And, yes, for a while, I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to be completely, utterly out of sight of my peers. But I also realized that being vulnerable to others gave me strength. Slowly, I began to embrace my vulnerability. I began to speak out in classes that I had never spoken in before–not because I wanted to be noticed by my peers, but because I had something to say. I started to branch out of my comfort zone. I joined the chess club, I said “good morning” to teachers in the hall, and I kept my head up while looking at others instead of staring down at my phone. And through all of it, I realized that being a wallflower will always be a part of me.

My hands continued to always shake every time I gave a speech for my AP Gov class, I still always leaned my weight onto one of my legs during my AP Lit presentations, and my mind would always cloud up at first when someone approached me during my time in the library. My experience in high school and my confidence in myself didn’t suddenly change drastically due to one person or one choice. Instead, I learned how to embrace my quiet confidence through each and every step forward.

During my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I was in two clubs and barely had any interest in doing any sort of after-school activity because I was extremely shy and scared of being judged. Now, at the end of my senior year, holding four leadership positions and being a part of a variety of clubs that all interest me, I’ve come to realize how much I’ve grown–physically and emotionally. At first, I was scared of the unknown. I was scared of joining that one club because I didn’t know what it exactly entailed. However, now I realize that there is beauty in the unknown. Even if it may seem uncomfortable at first, facing uncomfortable moments in life head-on shapes who we are today.

So, to the other wallflowers out there–who feel like they do not have their place and do not fit in the crowd: it is okay to feel out of place and in the shadows for a bit. Making an impact in society does not have to be loud and fast, but it can be soft and slow. There is nothing wrong with being in the corner of a high school dance, as long as you’re listening to the music and dancing along in your own way.

One of the most important things that I will bring with me after I graduate from high school is that you don’t have to be the loudest in the room to have a voice. You just have to be present, be kind to others, and, most importantly, be yourself.

I still am a wallflower. But I’ve realized that being a wallflower–watching my classmates gleam with confidence on their faces and staring at the party from the sidelines–isn’t inherently a bad thing. Instead, observing from the background has enabled me to truly observe the beauty of the world before me. Even though life can be mundane, extremely repetitive, and sometimes utterly boring, the world holds so much beauty if you finally learn how to look at it from a different perspective.