Citizens of Irwin, look out! There’s a new hero in town, and he’s protecting our dangerous streets. For the last several months, a masked vigilante dubbed “the Irwin Spiderman” has been spotted swinging around downtown Irwin with synthetic spider webs, fighting crime. Though outsiders seem skeptical of his existence, many residents of the Irwin area claim to have noticed him in their neighborhoods.

“Yeah, I’ve seen him,” said Irwin resident Grace Fleckenstein. “He saved my dad from a mugger last week. Nice guy.”

It seems in the months since the Irwin Spiderman has appeared, many community members feel much safer knowing someone is on the ground, protecting them from the crime polluting the Irwin area.

“Crime is at an all-time low,” said Irwin resident Kyleigh Schaefer. “This is the first time in years I’ve felt safe walking through downtown Irwin at night. I’ve seen the Irwin Spiderman make grown men cry.”

With the Irwin Spiderman doing so much good for our local community, citizens of Irwin are calling for national attention on their own “superhero,” who has been ignored by news channels across the country. 

“KDKA hasn’t picked up the story yet, but I’ve been waiting for them to feature him on the morning news for weeks,” said Mayor Bartels of Latrobe. “He might not be fighting crime in my city, but I consider him a personal hero and maybe one day, a friend.”

Though much of the community has celebrated the Irwin Spiderman’s work in making Irwin a safer place, there are still a select few residents who are calling for his arrest.

“The Spider-Menace belongs in jail,” said Knight Krier adviser (and Daily Bugle super-fan), Brian Fleckenstein. “News flash: Vigilantism is illegal. North Irwin’s been acting up lately and it’s not Spidey Man’s business to intervene. We will take care of North Irwin at the Speed-D Mart under the tracks. I don’t care how many muggers he stops; the Irwin Spider-Freak needs to be taken down and unmasked.”

Despite Fleckenstein’s more radical views on the Irwin Spiderman, he does pose a question many local residents are asking: Who is the Irwin Spiderman? And could he be walking among us?

“I’m betting they’re a student,” said Norwin Physics teacher, Douglas Knipple. “No one else is bold enough to do what needs to be done for the safety of Irwin. Whoever they are, though, I’m a big fan.”

To the dismay of citizens across Irwin, it’s more than clear that the Irwin Spiderman does not want to be found, whoever he may be.

“Personally, I think we should allow whoever he or she is to keep their identity a secret,” said mild-mannered journalist Paige Tokay. “He or she is definitely not a student, though.”

Like him or not, in the wake of the most recent attack against local citizens by the Irwin Green Goblin that the Irwin Spiderman thwarted, it is clear that our community needs him, and he is not going anywhere.