Picking out your desired list of colleges in senior or junior years can be a daunting task. It certainly was for me, sifting through an endless number of colleges.

Did I want to stay close to home? Did I want to fly far out of the nest? How much does this cost, and is it worth it?

These, among others, are all questions I had to ask myself when choosing my desired list of colleges. Especially because leaving the country for college was an option that I considered seriously for a long time. If I went to Croatia or Germany for college, tuition would cost a whole lot less, and I would get the experience of living outside the country.

I had to decide what was most important to me in a place that I would stay for four or more years of my life, which was made all the more daunting by the fact that I hadn’t lived anywhere without my parents before. I couldn’t have it all, so only the most important elements must shine through. Choose wrong, and I might end up miserable.

Additionally, facing the paywall that is American college was an insane thing to think through. Even if I were accepted into my dream college, could I afford it? I had to come up with at least a semblance of a plan on how I would pay for it all. This was just another piece on the stack of anxiety of the college process.

This type of decision-making was overwhelming to me, and I didn’t want to face it for the longest time. I would constantly dodge around the subject when college was even remotely on topic. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I avoided it for long enough, it would work itself out. However, running from every stage of the process only made things harder and more stressful later on. I eventually had to face it, and the only thing running did for me was shorten the amount of time I had available to me to consider my options and make a move.

It’s like I was playing chess by constantly dodging the opposing side’s moves without making any of my own. I never had any real chance at winning the game as a whole.

This whole process was, from start to finish, riddled with both rational and irrational fears. That is why I kept running full speed ahead in the opposite direction.

One completely irrational fear that I have about going off to college is that I would head off to college and forget something like my toothbrush, and then have to go the whole semester without one. My brain knows I could just go to the nearest drugstore and buy a new one, but the fear persists nonetheless.

With the list finally sorted, it was finally time to apply. This was the step that really sent reality crashing down on me. There was no turning back after that moment. I had to decide, with no dodging, whether early action or early decision was something that I truly wanted to go through with.

Actually pressing the submit button was incredibly daunting, and even that took me some time and a lot of convincing myself to finally make the commitment. After double and triple-checking my application on the Common App, I ended up applying to two schools, early action.

Now that everything has come to a close, all applications submitted and responses obtained, there is a new decision to make. One that I am still torn about at the point in time that I’m writing this. What college should I commit to? The one that gave me more money, or my dream school? It is something that I think about constantly, occupying my thoughts. I’m afraid that if I make the wrong desision then I will pay for it dearly years into the future.

The college process is a long and tedious road, but making it to the end is incredibly worth it, once you get there. Though some problems that I faced were avoidable ones that I caused myself, like procrastinating and nearly missing important deadlines, that didn’t stop me from powering through and facing them. I cannot say if that would be the best approach for everyone, but it’s what worked for me.