When I first became a freshman, it was the first time I was back in physical school since the pandemic started. I came into school with a good attitude, but quickly grew bitter due to a few unfortunate happenstances. I struggled with everything from that point onward. I couldn’t motivate myself, hated myself, and didn’t really want anything- I got a big ego too. This led to me being a loner, with few friends and disliked by many people. I’ve made peace with most of the people who actually affected me, so I won’t spend much time on the bad.
It all got me thinking, though. I was very lucky to have one or two really good friends throughout all of this, and they helped me mellow out. From there, with a clearer head, I was able to slowly work on many of my bad traits. It’s been time-consuming and difficult, but it set a good foundation for this year, my senior year.
The first half of the year didn’t see much change other than expecting my anxiety as part of myself rather than a problem, which allowed me to finally be happy with myself; little did I know that paved the way for me to mostly shed that anxiety.
The second half of the year started terribly. I got super sick, which made me pretty much incapable of breathing and caused my head to pound for a week straight. Only two days after recovering from that, I would slip on black ice, blending into my driveway while running, and land straight on my knee. That was the first real injury I ever had, as I’m a very careful and attentive person when it comes to my surroundings. I thought the pain would be the worst part, but as it had turned out, that pain blends into the background rather quickly; no, it was the effects of being stuck in place that got to me. Before this, I thought doing nothing sounded like paradise, but it quickly took a negative toll on my mental health- in only a day, I was getting anxious and angry being stuck with my leg in place. I ignored my injury and ended up on my feet way faster than I was told to be, not to go far, mind you, just to my computer. I wanted to keep myself distracted, but thanks to my friend and the circumstances making me turn to it, I rediscovered my love for all of my hobbies.
It has been constant growth from there; senioritis, of course, has made school feel rather dull, but because going home now feels like something enjoyable, I’m not miserable all the time. This has allowed me to realize many things about myself and the people around me, most notably that I, too, am just a random person, the same as everyone else. I don’t need to do crazy things in my life to enjoy it; I don’t need everything to be perfect to enjoy it. I see all this chase for money and influence as rather pointless now, but at the same time, I still have dreams.
I think a lot of people these days get confused about what a dream is. They die at 18 and get buried at 80. Realizing this has allowed me to live freely, understanding how the present will become the past and the future will become the present allows me to take days one at a time now. I don’t feel stressed anymore unless something’s stressful; I spend every day happy for the vast majority of it. I’m not so naïve to think everything will always be sunshine and rainbows, but when I go through hardship, I can now keep a level head. The world has become obsessed with things that don’t matter and apathetic to what does. Human life and experience are the only things I care about these days, because it’s the only things you can take with you.
