Recently, Norwin High School decided to remove two math teachers for failing a simple numbers-counting test. Mr. Joseph Oestreich, who teaches Pre-Calculus and Calculus 2, is being coerced to retire at the end of the school year,;and Mr. Brian Brozeski, who teaches Pre-Calculus, is being moved into a new position as the Dean of Students.

Back in 2022, the higher-ups at Norwin decided to test the math department at random to see if the teachers’ counting skills were really up to par.

”I was having some serious doubts about our math department,” Dr. Michael Choby said. “After Mr. Oestreich messed up counting the number of teachers at a meeting, I really began to question the integrity of the whole wing.”

The first teacher to go was Mrs. Bryan back in 2022. After being randomly selected for a counting test, Mrs. Bryan chose to retire instead of taking the test.

“I remember Mrs. Bryan really stressing about the test,” senior Evan Pfeifer said. “Honestly, I’d be scared too since I never learned how to count, but my friend Jeremiah is one of the best counters I know.”

This year, Mr. Oestreich and Mr. Brozeski were put to the test because Dr. Choby believed them to be some of the best math teachers Norwin has to offer. Calculus and differential equations may be one thing, but counting is a whole different beast. Counting 1-10 in order was the challenge.

“They’re expecting a miracle,” Mr. Brozeski said. “I struggle with 1-5, but reaching 10? That’s legendary territory.”

Counting has never really been Norwin’s strong suit. In a study by renowned journalist Finn Cunning, only five seniors from the past four years who have graduated knew how to count. Some are to be kept private, but there are some notable alumni in that list, like Ryan Schiller and Luke Denny.

“Only the best of the best know how to count,” Mr. Oestreich said. “ Back in my prime, maybe I could get to 10, but not nowadays.”

These counting issues don’t just come with a slap on the wrist either. Mr. Oestreich is being coerced into retirement at the end of the year, and Mr. Brozeski has been forced to become the new dean of students and be removed from the math classroom.

The real question is how these issues have not come to light sooner. Norwin senior Alex Oestreich, Mr.O’s daughter, was able to bring to light some of the signs for us.

“My dad can’t even count how many years old I am,” said Alex O. “One year he said 25, then the next it was 7. Sometimes he doesn’t even know the number or children he has–two daughters? C’mon dad. Though I do owe him, he got me into counting at a young age, and soon I’ll be headed to Seton Hill to be on the Competitive Counting Team, because of my new PR of 13.”

Mr. Brozeski, though, is not too upset about the position change. His goal was never to be the greatest math teacher of them all, but rather to make a counting prodigy. His son Potter Brozeski is already on the path to counting greatness, being tutored by thee Luke Denny.

“I honestly can’t think of a better mentor for my son in the art of counting,” Mr. Brozeski said. “My days of counting may be over, but his are just now on the rise.”

While Norwin will miss both of these beloved teachers in the math hallway, there is a new one at risk. It has been slated that Mrs. Knipple is next up to be tested, and the odds are not in her favor.

“I have never counted a day in my life,” Mrs. Angela Knipple said. “I don’t really care if I fail cause then I can just focus on bird watching and stocks.”

Word had been spreading that the English department would be undergoing reading tests, and Mr. Zale is in the hot seat. Word is he can’t read and has yet to memorize his ABC’s.