On March 20th, two students were walking around the band hallway when they heard strange noises coming inside, when they entered they found Punxsutawney Phil and Gus from the PA lottery.
They found a note from Mr.Daniels and Mr.Kandrack that they had kidnapped the groundhogs and forced them to fight weaker groundhogs so he can make a profit for new marching band uniforms and the marching band seasons. Also, on the note was a weird cryptic message that says the “first rule of groundhog fight club is don’t talk about groundhog fight club.”
“These fights are getting out of hand,” said Meegan Kurphy, a freshman band student. “Me and my buddies have bet nearly a$1000 and lost. Now I can’t even pay my personal volleyball coach and band tutor.”
During 9:00 PM to 2:00 AM, in the band lot, all the fights happen. At last night’s fight, Phil dominated the round and only left with a broken paw. The money raised from the fight was around $2.3 million dollars.
People have been wondering where the other groundhogs are coming from. One student saw a truck being filled with hundreds of aggressive rabies-infected groundhogs.
”We just pick a random groundhog we find in the middle school yard,” said teacher Brandon Kandrack. “The field below the field house is ‘philled’ with the aggressive woodchucks.”
Band, chorus, orchestra, and other students are lining up and signing up early to buy each match’s tickets, and are buying lottery tickets.
”I’ve always been a gambling man,” said Rhys Ricca, a student entrepreneur. “I have been selling the fake PA lottery tickets for high prices because people think I’m sponsored by Gus. I have never been happier to see Gus win, so I make bank.”
Additionally, the Underground Groundhog Fight Club has caused a major uptick in organized crime around the school. One student, referred to as Godfather Will has been running an Uno card game ring and can be seen hustling various students in the band wing, at lunch, and even at track practice or on school buses.
“Hey man, it’s just Uno,” Godfather Will commented while carrying his trumpet and oversized Uno deck of cards. “Prove it, I’m doing anything illegal. If you do catch me, I will just pull a ‘Reverse Uno’ card right back at ya.”
People all over the world are lining up to see these glorious matches, especially from China; 24,673 people from China are tuning in on the WGWE. (World Groundhog Wrestling Entertainment).
“We love Groundhog wrestling,” said China’s president Zi Tinping. “My people have been inspired by WGWE, and I support it wholeheartedly. Our own team is now 5th in the nation and has a match with Gus on Sunday.”
Now new information shows teacher and Punxsutawney native, Brian Fleckenstein plans on making an escape plan to free the groundhogs from their endless torment. He is planning to head to the school around midnight and free his idol Phil.
“Groundhogs are sacred!” shouted Fleckenstein. “In the words of Cardi B, I don’t CARRREEE if I get caught. I plan on wearing my Richard Nixon mask and spray painting the cameras, busting in through the roof, and free those hogs.”
In the end, Brian Fleckenstein saves the groundhogs and is deemed an entrant to the prestigious Punxsutawney Groundhog Club’s Inner Circle, now known as “El Niño” and now has a mutated groundhog gene.
Daniels and Kandrack face punishment by the Supreme Court after the story leaked out. They are now at least facing 50 groundhog years in prison and bail is nearly $5.3 million dollars.
